#NO ONES FUCKING SPIRALLING!!! JESUS!!!!!
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UUUUUUUGH the SMAU scene seems SATURATED should I just give up Completely but I don’t WANT to I just KskanksmdkdbekwndjffjFUCK!!!!!!!!
#NO ONES FUCKING SPIRALLING!!! JESUS!!!!!#leaving my makeup on so con thinks I’m hot during the livestream where he won’t see my face xxx#krill.txt
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… the only man EVER. my man. mhm. always.
#ewan mitchell#aemond targaryen#this man is gonna be the death of me#i need him so bad#EWAN FUCKING MITCHELL#omg omg omg#omgggg#it’s 4am and i’m spiraling due to this one man#i love him so much#ewan. i love u <333#going absolutely feral#jesus christ……. send help
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Fuck timelines, all my homies hate timelines
#gerrymichael#gerry kaey#michael shelley#tma#tma michael#tma spoilers#only sort of#the magnus archives#the spiral#michael distortion#tma fanart#gerrymike#fuck timelines#theyre gay and in love#i actually adore this drawing. I went off w/ this one tbh.#also wow. i havent posted to my art blog in. a year. jesus christ#wel to be fair the horrors keep happening to me
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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i hate it here
#char’s diary#it’s so funny! how she talks about the symptoms of her ptsd! as if i don’t have it because of her!#yes. my therapist told me i very likely have it so im not exaggerating#like yeah#i start spiraling and get triggered because i feel like im back in a place of danger#these things are because awful things have been done to me#sure it wasn’t my ex husband it was just my horrible fucking parents#and ykw i didn’t choose this either!!!!!#you didn’t choose to have an abusive ex husband and i didn’t choose to grow up with emotionally abusive parents#suck my fucking nuts#and ofc i feel like im going to cry just bc im angry#jesus christ#and like just getting up from a room without telling someone isn’t shitty on its own???#she tried to tell me it was#like sorry i don’t tell you every second of what im doing in my own house?#like i have a speech tomorrow-one that’s really important to me but oh haha i didn’t tell you because i DONT LIKE TELLING YOU THINGS#i wanna go home
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“Look for the strengths in yourself” this. “Your trauma doesn’t define you or make you inherently wrong” that. Do it out of spite. Value yourself out of spite.
What? Those douchebags told you that you weren’t worth anything? Fuck them! Treat yourself like you’re worth something! Get back at those fuckers!
Those assholes conditioned you into thinking you were terrible by treating you like shit? Condition yourself back! Keep valuing yourself and doing self care over and over until you drown them out. Until they’re as stupid and small in your brain as they are in real life.
Fucking win the emotional manipulation game! Win it! Draw something shit because it makes you feel happy! What, you can’t say no to people because you’re not worth as much as them? Fuck that! Say no all the time! Treat yourself like the most important person in the universe because they would hate it!
#so had a epiphany with a client the other day#essentially this#spite is the best way to do anything#and yes I’m in the mental health field#which would shock the tumblr bot who saw my blog and tried to send me to a therapy blog#which was adorable but jesus#and shocking to people who’ve commented saying I’m way to cynical about mental health and asking if I’m okay#I’m so unbelievably stable I help other people get stable lmao#it’s just sometimes the sunshine and rainbows approach works for people#and sometimes it doesn’t#and I’m just incredible super blunt about how I feel and experience things#which is sometimes yucky when it’s mental health or cptsd or my experience being neurodivergent in this society#you have points when your brain isn’t gonna believe that you’re good#that things can get better#rationally you will but emotionally your brain has conditioned itself out of hope and self regard#so sometimes you gotta motivate yourself with anger and spite#those assholes don’t deserve your life#and then you’ll get to the actual hope and happy feelings point#and then you’ll drop again#because this is how it works#and yucky emotions are not always bad or shameful#sometimes spite and anger is justified and can motivate you to change#sometime stress helps you survive#sometimes sadness helps you stop and realise somethings wrong#fuck depression though that one is just bad#(I’m kidding lmao)#seriously for me who gets depressive spirals often#and likely will for my entire life#depression feelings tells me I haven’t been making time for myself#and I’m overwhelmed
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Keep getting pissed off & frustrated and now my stomach hurts
#im at the library btw (important detail)#just like looking for internships for some reason makes me really anxious and makes my stomach hurt and i get scared to click on any webpage#and looking at postgrad requirements stuff also freaks me out and hurts and i need to put together some questions to ask my neighbor but im#afriad to ask smth stupid etc etc and just owie#i emailed my one prof to see if we have any homework or whatever and that was one thing i did#checked my assignments but havent started any yet though now i know what and when#then i turned to online shopping and adding to my wishlist like im supposed to but thats whats really make the stomachache happen bc i cant#figure out which product i want between 2 companies and also we live in an advertising hellworld that wants to manipulate me and i hate it#even the thought of me buying a comic on the way home doesnt help atm#bc then ill be going home after being out for 2 hours w my only achievement being writing down like 3 questions for my neighbor (NOT all i#want to say) emailing my prof and working myself into an anxiety spiral about christmas gifts#okay im getting emotional now and am on the verge of tears i should go home bc obviously this isnt working#and my mom is at home and she always makes me feel better#i fucking hate our hellscape and i hate how evil and manipulative amazon.com is. just be a normal service that sells normal fucking goods#jesus fucking christ. its like the whole world will end if i dont get advertised to every single second of every fucking day
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i remembered this line from azteca and it made me wonder what going through a spiral door is like?WHY is there dirt when you pass through. im confused. i thought we were just walking through a simple door??? yw what are you doing in there
maybe something about magic leaving some kind of debris because you get "teleported" to the next world. but i kinda just imagined that when you used a key and opened the door, it showed the other worlds like a window and you just walked through in 2 seconds, simple. so um
#txt#ill have yw know that when i walk through a door i domt come out with dirt on my face#spiral travel is very interesting to me in general#how did leylines work. if it was explained then i forgot#asked this because I would like to add onto how someone feels going through a spiral door for the first time#but then I remembered thks line and iwas like ok well there might be more to it than what km thinking of writing#out of all the lines it has to be this one. I know. I KNOW😭#way cooler to think yw just walks through a wormhole exactly like in pokemon usum#like u open the door and gotta go through this long ass spacey hallway that look just like the inside of a stormgate#or yw can just walk on windlanes like jesus. passing by the pirate's ship casually who goes 'what the fuck'#spiral door travel is actually just walking on a windlane to the next world#wizards are just built differently is my explanation
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the last time i ate was 6 am. i slept 5 hours last night. had to take mia to the hospital. have been here since 2:30. it’s 6 o’clock. absolutely fucking starving, beyond completely exhausted, don’t have the energy to go back into the hospital to get food. i can taste colors.
#ooc. o kaptain.#negative /#medical /#[my mental breakdown is right around the corner i can feel it i have never been so fucking alone and so overwhelmed in my life and for once#it’s very literal. i say as tho it hasn’t always been extremely literal. jesus fucking Christ my whole body hurts i worked earlier too and#my kid did so well but I literally used up all my energy for that and now im at this shithole and totally exhausted. straight up don’t know#how im making it through this one kids because my life can only spiral downwards while totally out of my control. i have no idea what the#fuck to even do anymore I just feel like some cosmic force said ‘Kat give the fuck up’ and im here going ‘you know I don’t even get the#fucking point of all this’.]
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fuck. ok i guess
#head in my hands#i thought i was just crazy but it turns out that a significant amount of my problems over the past year have been symptoms of ocd! ok!#its just. jesus christ. you’re saying that every one of my problems has been a *textbook ocd symptom*.#like [REDACTED] which caused me significant problems for over half a year. textbook obsession.#[DIFFERENT REDACTED] which made me quit a fandom temporarily because i was spiraling so bad. also a textbook obsession.#all the times i looked up [“SOLUTION” TO REDACTED] were probably compulsions j guess. okay.#my brain telling me that there’s no way i could have ocd because i’m not diagnosed and am inherently less knowledgeable about everything#and i’m a bad person for even thinking maybe i could have ocd#also an obsession maybe.#what the fuck.#i am GOING to POST THIS and then NEVER THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN.#i’m not even tagging this. just. what the fuck.
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me, literally in the middle of writing a bay leo fic: [gets randomly slammed in the FACE with a f!donnie fic idea like someone has kicked me with steel-toed boots in the temple]
#text tag#oh. my god. it's. it's so gratuitous. jesus christ. god. jesus fucking god. why is no one stopping me from doing whatever i want#can't you all see i'm spiraling further and further out of control? fucking future turtles now?? my god. my god. why have you forsaken me
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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eeeuuuuggghhh i'm gonna bitch in the tags a bit bcus this isn't like. serious enough to put more effort into it than that but i also don't want it to sit in my brain.
#little rock.txt#venting#self harm in tags btw#anyway. wow i hate intrusive thoughts.#like great guys. it's so cool that the way we're deciding to spend our time is constantly thinking about ways to hurt myself#oh wow stabbing myself with a knife someone left on the counter? so original. never been seen before#oh starving myself?? even when my lovely friend made us a whole dinner?? that's lovely. wow. not even a little bit rude#standing in traffic until someone comes and hits me? at least that wouldn't damage my fucking car like your other ideas!#taking something sharp to my sunburns for a two-birds-one-stone thing?? i guess you're making the best of the circumstances#like jesus fucking christ Grow Up. am i fifteen goddamn years old again#like if we're being So real the consequences of actually self-harming Far outweigh the benefits so i'm not at any real risk#(i do Not want to deal with the fallout of 1. cleaning those wounds 2. confronting my housemates with active self-harm#they actively do not deserve that happening to them)#(hi guys btw sorry. i'm fine)#but that just means i'm sitting here like. so are you gonna be productive or....?#like i had plans of what i wanted to do with my brain power tonight. was gonna write. maybe clip a stream. and we're...?#oh just sitting on my laptop playing music too loud bcus if i could hear my own thoughts it'd be a nightmare? neat.#jesus christ can i be a normal goddamn person for like fifteen minutes and get out of this anxiety spiral. it's been over 24 hours.#whatever. like at this point it's fucking whatever. if i can't drag myself into being productive i'm just gonna go to bed.#“opal is being mean to yourself really going to help” i don't know. i doubt it. unfortunately i am in the mood to be a bitch#and the only person who deserves to deal with bitchy opal is me. so.#anyway if you read all of this uuuhhh sorry. i am like this. but hey. thank you for caring
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Wow turns out there's a reason every lawyer I'd ever met told me "don't be a lawyer."
#seven months into practice#most junior attorney at a litigation boutique#I've never felt more incompetent in my life#I felt pretty on top of things until last month#made a few mistakes and they keep coming#fortunately they're all different mistakes - not making the same ones twice#but jesus fucking christ#I spend probably an hour every day just worrying they're going to get rid of me#also it looks like the senior associate is leaving#which our firm structure is weird#but he's basically the only person in a mentorship role#and I feel like if he leaves I'm actually going to cry#because I feel so lost and the partners are all so busy#also my billing is shit because I'm so sad and stressed I keep just having non billable chunks of my day#which is me stressing out and just feeling bad#which isn't productive at all#stereotypical lawyer lmfao#I keep waking up at 3-4am with nightmares about my cases#I dream about work almost every night#usually fucking something up or getting fired or losing something important#I just want things to feel under control again#not spiraling just beyond my grasp#I've heard this is normal which is helpful in a small way#but consider: knowing it's normal doesn't make the actual feeling less shit
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wow do you ever have a quiet meltdown over a problem and then you talk about it aloud and realize wait a goddamn second it’s. not that bad at all—
#caroline talks#me having a meltdown bc a person told me ‘hey you have a space kinda scrunched between two lines in your resume’#me spiraling: Jesus fucking Christ I’m never gonna get a job I’m never going to be employed I am a FAILURE I should just QUIT law school#and GIVE UP my dream of becoming a decent attorney and just throw it ALL AWAY why did I ever choose this—#me saying this aloud: caroline. dude. calm the fuck down#and i vocalized this and one of my coworkers went#’so when you go to an interview bring a paper copy with the correct space.’#and she said that so calmly and i immediately went ‘oh. yeah. that’s right.’#I also appreciated that the coworker said ‘WHEN you go to an interview’ not ‘IF’#I just. need to hit my brain with a bat.#me: CALM. DOWN. YOU ARE DOING FINE
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u put a tie on and suddenly every woman in the city is in love with u, whats that about
#everytime i dress more androgynous i get so much love from women its like wow yeah jesus...#i should dress like this 24/7 fr fr#man...#the power of one (1) tie#its literally just a tie#its so funny idk#ALSO!! THAT BAR HAD THE MOST INSANE STAIRCASE TO THE BATHROOM IN THE WORLD LIKE HEY BUDDY WHY AM I WALKING IN AN UPWARDS SPIRAL#It was a literal tower#insane staircase design#some dude behind me was like “are u sure this is right?” and i was like 'hey man idk this is what the sign says“ and we walked for 5 mins#dizzy as fuck#tipsy as fuck#like who...designed#anyways#personal
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